“Infatuation”, written by Rachel Daren, is a screenplay exploring themes of love and loss set in a world of monsters. The story blends a modern 2000s setting with dark fantasy themes, contrasting an underground dark society of monster hunters with regular people with regular people problems. The story is about Dolores Zima, a middle aged monster hunter and member of a mysterious council, or former member as is revealed in the opening hook. Dolores acts as both the main character and narrator, providing exposition as she accounts key events in her life that lead up to her being ousted from the New England Hunters’ Council. In one of the first scenes we are given insight into the world and the base premise of the “light stalkers” via a flashback to the past, learning that Dolores comes from a line of these hunters and is special and can see the monsters, and thusly fight back against them. We move on from this to an adult Dolores at a hunter’s council meeting, being introduced to our other main character, Mariko, as well as more mysteries and lore regarding the world of these hunters and what the apollo/artemis mutations mean. The story then moves into flashbacks to Dolores’ past, revealing details of her past relationships, both platonic and romantic. These scenes throughout humanize Dolores and give us insight onto who she is as a person, on and off the job. After this flashback we are met with a present day(i think), phone call with a character from the previous flashback, where we learn of Dolores’ mental health issues and a mysterious loss keeping her down. These mental health issues are elaborated on in the next scene, another flashback of Dolores in a psychiatrists office, where we are given her distinct diagnoses. After this we are sent to another flashback introducing Mariko, cut with meetings from the hunter’s council. The rest of the act is scenes between Mariko and Delores, an overwhelming mystery building as to how their relationship blossomed and subsequently floundered, with it being mentioned multiple times in the present day that Mariko is missing.
The main thing I like about the story is the voice over narration we receive from Dolores throughout the story, I think it provides excellent insight into not only the main character’s thoughts and feelings, but also lets the viewers in on details regarding the worldbuilding and gives us information we need to know to understand the story and context. The voice over is used sparingly in a way that feels very organic and appropriate to the scene, it does not overstep and instead accentuates the scenes in a manner that feels befitting of this style of story. The story feels very reminiscent of a 2000s dark fantasy/science fiction show I may have watched in middle school, that is to say this is not a criticism at all, and in fact feels very appropriate for the subject matter the story is trying to tackle from both a romantic and fantasy standpoint. I really like this aspect of the story as a whole, it feels nostalgiac and reminds me a lot of shows that i can only assume were intended inspirations, as they were directly referenced in the story. Shows such as Supernatural, Buffy the vampire slayer(which i never personally watched but am still familiar with), doctor who, vampire diaries, and teen wolf, all really read through as inspirations. I would feel no qualms slotting Infatuation right in there with them, maybe a little bit above as being written with a modern lens means it lacks a lot of the homophobia and racism that ran rampant in these earlier shows.
The main things I am interested in learning more about are the relationships between the characters presented, a lot of names are brought up in the first act, and the sprinkles of interactions we get from them reveal some very interesting dynamics at play that I would like to see more of. Dolores and Mariko are obviously the main relationship presented, and while I would really love to get more insight onto how their relationship formed, especially whether or not it was one sided and toxic, or mutual and healthy, I can safely assume from a viewer’s standpoint that i will get that information in due time. However what i am really interested in is the side characters. A lot of characters are introduced to us in a relatively short amount of time, and because of the relatively fast paced nature of the scenes we only get a little bit of time with them. Wynn especially really peaked my interest, as through them we are not only given breadcrumbs of broader scandals in the Hunters’ council, but also the issue of the hybrids. The hybirds are a very interesting aspect of lore that we are only given a little bit of information on, but what we do know introduces a massive moral dilemma taking place in this world as to whether or not they deserve to be executed solely for being half light stalker. This moral dilemma is further complicated by clear political disagreement and disillusionment going on in the hunters’ society. This is what makes Wynn so interesting, we only see them for one scene but what we do see is very interesting, why are they looked down upon for their parentage? Why are they so sympathetic to the hybrids, and in turn why are some of the other characters were introduced to(such as Jason), so against the hybirds? Who is Wynn in the world of hunters, and why are they built up as an important new member of the council, hero of the youth, but also a side character who only appears in one scene? This is what i am most interested in, and leads me directly into some of the criticisms I have.
The main issue with the story i found while reading, was that the amount of information and characters presented at once. This is a world with very complex and thought out worldbuilding, which deserves to be explored and needs to be explained in order for the viewer to fully understand and appreciate the story. However I do feel the amount of information presented comes at us very fast, particularly in the second scene of the flashback with Dolores and her mom. The best way i think this can be combatted is by slowing the story down a bit, restructuring the order of a few scenes, and adding some more mundane situations. So far nearly every scene is exposition and plot heavy, which is good for getting the key points of the story across but can be a bit draining on the viewer. Slowing down and allowing for more downtime between exposition drops, heavy hunter proceedings, and relationship drama will help to make those moments that much more impactful. While there is plenty of mystery in the story, I feel some specific details could do better being shown rather than told, perhaps through visuals or metaphors so that the viewers feel less spoon fed lore and instead can piece things together themselves. I also feel the beginning scenes would flow better if the initial flashback between Dolores and her mom, explaining the concept of hunters and light stalkers, were placed later in the first act. Let the viewers stew on the little bits and pieces we are first presented, give us some more appetizers before the full meal so that the reveal and explanation is that much more satisfying.
“Nowhere” is a screenplay for a science fiction story in which some sort of miniature world within a lab is unexpectedly changed when a leaf from “The Outside” ends up in their world. The protagonist, a strange (to human perception) creature named Flan goes about his routine, helping a distressed citizen of his world get their cat off of the roof, and meeting with his friends, Sun and Moon, only to be interrupted and surprised by the sudden appearance of a green leaf from outside of their world. Determined to learn about it, Flan insists they try and get answers, and following an incident where Sun and Moon accidentally damage a present made for Moon, they all visit the Tailor for answers. The Tailor directs them to Quell, who appears to not be on the best terms with Flan based on his reaction, and they go to meet with him.
I really like how vivid the descriptions of the different creatures of this world are and how unique they are to this story. Particularly the visual concept of The Tailor interests me, as using hands to communicate rather than a voice not only shines some attention on the significance of sign language, but also allows for the worldbuilding to feel more fleshed out, as why would every creature in this world all communicate the same way when we certainly don’t do that in our world, even among the same species. I also really like Sun and Moon’s dynamic, as it makes the creatures in this world feel incredibly alive. Flan is an intriguing protagonist as well, his curiosity garnering my attention and my own curiosity.
One of the biggest questions I have about this screenplay is “who is Quell and what is his relationship with Flan, since Flan appears to know him already?” I’m sure most of this will be answered eventually, but I’m still intrigued by it nonetheless. I also want to know what the significance of the lab mention in the beginning is.
I hope to see this act become longer and more fleshed out throughout the semester. Though this suggestion has more to do with the lookbook than the screenplay, it may help to keep in mind whether you want this to be a CGI-heavy story interspersed with live action when possible, or fully-animated story. I’d also keep in mind that you seem to have a large cast of characters, so as you continue to develop the world and story, make sure to keep track of who is who and what function they serve, especially with smaller characters like Orin.
It so far seems to be a story of a separated family in which the mother has just won custody of her kids from their father and her husband. It goes through the daily life of a family of three; Jaime, the mother, Charlie, her younger kid, and Millie, her older kid. They watch Millie at a baseball game, get ice cream and go to school. Everything seems pleasant. We ended with the mother getting ready to go out with her friends for a Saturday night. I really enjoy the use of nice colors and feelings, and the cuts between different scenes really feel good. It sets up such. beautiful and serene world that we know is about to be torn down in some horrific way, and it leaves us waiting for that moment, that one thing that happens that changes the entire story around from just a family’s day to day life to whatever twisted things are going to happen. I also really enjoy the realistic dialogue. No one sits on something too long, and in general it just feels so natural and yet deliberate for what they say. There is also foreshadowing with an interaction between Millie and her mother where Jaime says, “We’ll be alright,” to which Millie responds with, “It doesn’t feel like it.” In a way, it’s almost as if Millie is in the same boat as the audience, who is being shown all these nice, calm, relaxing things and yet we have this overbearing dreadful feeling that something awful is going to happen. I really want to know more about what’s going to happen between the three characters, and if it ties back into the whole court case with Jaime’s husband, who, as of yet, has not made an appearance. What caused the two to separate anyways? Does it matter for the story or is it just a backdrop? I want to know more about the kind of person Jaime is, and I’m sure with whatever stressful situations she is about to be plunged into, we will soon find out. In terms of adding anything, this beginning sequence is beautiful, but could possibly be more concise and condensed, with of course leaving in your ideas for color and transitions and perhaps where you would like the camera to be.
Taya: Disturbance
So far from “Disturbance”, we know that we are in a fantastical land with both medieval and modern influences. The regents and bailiffs give off “secret order” medieval styles, as well as the “Trusted One” being a sort of king or ruler of a large swath of land. Meanwhile, the suburban housing and driveways accompanying them give off a more modern feel. The story follows a strange occurrence happening at the “Trusted One’s” supposed castle or home, and then breaks off into different areas as a huge blast of energy emanated from the castle. Then, we switch between different characters and are introduced to each one and we learn what their personalities are like. Then, a regent from the “Trusted One” gives them a scroll, entailing some sort of urgent mission given out by the “Trusted One”, and given out to a small group of chosen people. They are all brought together in the city in which the “Trusted One” resides, which is Labar. I really enjoy the rich, beautiful and exact details of the scenes and characters. It really sinks me into the story and lets me feel like I’m truly there. The descriptions are so vivid that it feels like Taya has a great grasp of what she is creating and also knows how to express this world in such detail. I also really enjoyed all the different characters we met; they made the world feel real, feel lived in. The farmer, the actress, the clock maker, the hermit and the slum worker all give us different insights into each way of life in this world. I want to know what’s going to happen to our little group of adventurers. Are they going to complete their mission or is something going to go wrong? I also want to know how exactly they feel about each other, how their relationships will develop, if at all. Will there be betrayal? From the beginning, we are shown a scene of the palace being torn apart, but when the 5 chosen ones arrive, there’s no signs of damage. It might be good to leave in a bit of that for a character to perhaps accidentally discover, chipping ever so slightly at the ruse being put up by the “Trusted One”. I also think condensation would be good. As amazing and intricate as the descriptions are, they perhaps take up too much space for the screenplay. This of course can come later when your vision of what you want to create is out on paper, but it is something to consider. Try to use more concise descriptions and focus on exact details that would draw our attention more. Don’t worry about trying to describe the exact kind of roofing tiles used for background buildings and the like. However, I think you should definitely keep in descriptions of objects and things strictly from your world, since it allows us to better understand what it is.
What is it?
This is a fantasy story about a group of young people being called upon to go on an adventure for their society’s leader, The Trusted One, to apparently save their kingdom.
What do you like about it?
This is a very well-developed fantasy story. Taya has created a really detailed society and clearly understands how it functions and how its citizens live and interact with each other and with their world. She also seems to have a great idea of what exactly she would like this movie to look like, if it were made. She uses great detail in describing the setting as well as the actions of the camera—she’s completely walking us through this movie and painting a very vivid picture of it.
What questions does the screenplay raise for you?
I’m wondering about some of the characters’ backstories, like Plurmef and Flook. I feel like I’m also unsure about how old they’re supposed to be—they act young, but are they as young as I am imagining them to be? Or is it just whimsy?
What suggestions do you have for the writer of the screenplay?
I don’t know how this would be achieved, but I think it would be helpful to understand the geography of this world. Maybe a map could be shown at some point to help the audience get a better feel for where things are, relatively, and even how big they are. I also think it would be helpful to break up all of these actions with more dialogue—it doesn’t have to be important to the story necessarily, but it would also make sense for characters to be having casual conversations or making small talk with one another. There’s just a lot of information on these pages that seems really important at all times, and I think it would be easier to follow if there were little breaks here and there.
Nowhere, written by Bennett Deshishku, is a loveable comedy/science fiction story about an odd and eclectic group of friends trying to discover the mysteries surrounding there equally odd and eclectic world. We follow a gelatinous blob named Flan, and his two friends Sun and Moon, whom after finding a leaf, seek out a various collection of characters in order to learn about it’s origin as well as the fabled “outside’. To do this they visit a centipede made of hands known as the tailor,
The characters, they are all incredibly unique and charming. The story has one of the most unique premises I have ever seen by, I really cannot get enough of the world of Nowhere and it’s inhabitants.
I want to know what this world is, I want to know how these characters met and what their connections to eachother are. I don’t need a real science explanation or the nitty gritty details of how their world was formed, as i think its more fun to just be like “yea of course its a hand centipede, but how does the tailor know Quell? How long have they been a tailor?”. Mundane details like that are what im really interested in knowing.
I think it could use a little extra detail in its descriptions of settings and characters, as all of these aspects are so incredibly unique I think they deserve to be explored and developed more.
So far the story is about a vision of destruction. Not much a premonition as it’s currently happening but the story shows an in-depth view of the current state of affairs in the nation of Latabat. We see the nation’s leader known as the “Trusted one” in the beginning of the story and from here he’s shown these visions on this crystal ball. This gives me the impression that this is a somewhat magical land and it gives the pretext of mythical creatures and beast as well. This vision shows the “Trusted ones” fear for the safety of his kingdom and so he constructs a plan. The story doesn’t give much detail about the plan at first, but it’s seen that he’s though of something and after the scene vanishes we get a look at what I belive to be the main characters of the story. The scene fades and we come across individual after individual and whats shown is their unique sjill sets and abilities. “ The Baliefts as they are called are these figures of power that posses mythical powers and whats shown is they can appear and disappear into thin air. The main charchters are shown like I said to have unique abilities and skills and the first person we see is Dergek, the son of a poor farmer who has a certain level of prowess. Second we see Plurmef who can talk to animals and connect with nature. Third comes Flook who has a knack for craftsmanship. Fourth comes Renege who doesn’t seems to be an accomplished theatrical artist . Lastly we are introduced to Clanas who seems to do a lot of manual labor and machine work. The thoughts on being approached on these Baliefts are different and during each visit they are handed a scroll that details a meeting with the trusted one at dawn. They all go and are directed to fight the beast that threatens their country. Its not like they had a choice though and some were reluctant, but in the face of their leader they all bowed their heads and accepted their mission. The trusted one pulls together 5 people with the skills, tools, and abilities to defeat the impending danger of the kingdom. At the moment the story seems to be centered around 5 key Figueres.
2. What do you like about it—get into specifics and why. Could be dialogue, character development, plot visuals, etc. Why do we/should we care about the main character(s)?
I like the overall story honestly and how it allows me to infer or try to guess what’s happening next as it seems like a typical story about a nation needing heroes to defeat a disastrous evil. Although it’s slightly twisted, the biggest like for me is the fact that these heroes are put into a weird situation, it’s not like the higher-ups are necessarily nice to them and it creates this atmosphere that I can’t really explain. The visuals of the story are also really good and Taya does a good job of describing the environment and the settings of each individual’s home life, the kingdom castle and the entire area in which they story takes place. ACT 1 here really sets up the big adventure well and I think that’s the biggest highlight I have about the story. I think the main characters are also a big thing to point out as Taya really describes and introduces them extremely well . She sets up the aftermath the part I want to know more about while also showcasing the different lives each of these individuals live and the different atmospheres surrounding them. It’s like a rag tag bunch thrown together and It seems like there is a plan but we just don’t know yet.
3. What questions does the screenplay raise for you—what do you want to know MORE about—even if it’s going to be revealed in the unwritten future portion of the screenplay. This can be a very valuable tool for the writer.
I want to know more about the Trusted one and who he is. The story doesn’t really show an in depth perspective of him and its got me wondering about his background. I see his like a boney figure that seems to be almost all-knowing or have exceptional prowess, but im confused on how he pulled together this bunch of 5 to defeat the great eveil that threatens the nation. How does he do it, was it a vision does he have the power to see people’s destiny or what. That insight would be huge. Also it begs some questions about who the people he’s working with are as well, the Baliefts seem to have some real pull, but I liked how we got to see one of their personalities and see that they are just regular people as well. So really I just want context, give me a flashback or something.
4. What suggestions do you have for the writer of the screenplay? Would combining a character with another help? Would speeding up the story or slowing it down help? Changing locations? Adding some comic relief? What would make you stay MORE engaged with the story?
Honestly, I don’t think there is much combining to do, just condensing the story and details. I think that the story moves along well and if it was on a screen I think it’d be a lot more interesting than just reading it. I like the different personalities of the guards as well. It added some more comic relief. The only thing I’s add to get me more engaged is dialogue, but I think that the major dialogue is in ACT 2 as Act 1 just set up the story and the location. I can’t really say add anything, but some more dialogue would be good just for me to stay engaged, but again I think that’s coming so It’s like ehh.
Caitlin –
Story is about a broken family that has some underlying issues. We see the main characters being the family ex wife, daughter and younger son and how they are navigating this new way of life without having a father around. We dont know who he is or what he did to get himself ostrsized like he is but I think that adds to the excitment. I like the parralles between Jamie and Millie and how close they are, they talk about what seems like everything and I love the open relationship between mother and daughter. Biggest question, who is this guy and what did he do to get kicked out of the house like this, its obvious he was important and loved, but the story hints at the idea that they are better off without him even though they miss him. My suggestions were to add some context of who Millie is outside of the family life and to show some details of her and Jamie without the family and with friends. I wanna see how they feel without the family around, how they really express themselves, its not like they don’t but I want to see how it feels to do it without that weight around. Without the pressure of everything going on at home.
What is it?
This screenplay focuses on a family unit following the divorce of the parents. We see Jamie–the mother– and her two children, Millie and Charlie. They’re all clearly struggling with the new dynamic, as shown through Millie and Charlie wondering where their father is and if he’ll visit them and through Jamie adapting to life as a single mother. However, Jamie herself seems rather happy and at-peace with the current situation, as she calls her friend Laura to tell her that “It feels so good without him here.” Additionally, Jamie doesn’t try to influence her children or turn them against their father/Jamie’s ex-husband. Instead, she supports them and keeps both her joy and her struggles to herself in order to put her children first. From this, we come to understand who Jamie is as a person, as a mother, and as a friend, and we realize that the main conflict of the story has to do with the ex-husband who is, supposedly, no longer involved in their lives.
What do you like?
One of the main things I really like is the character dynamics. Everyone in and around Jamie’s family at this current point is kind. Her friends, her lawyer, and her children all love one another, and they’re all trying to be supportive in this time of change. Also, this Act helps us see who each of the characters are as people, especially in the scenes of Jamie and her children– like with how their personalities are showcased through the way they eat ice cream and pizza. Another thing that Caitlin did well was establish the set-up of conflict. We haven’t yet seen or been introduced to the ex-husband, but we know he exists. And from how everyone in this Act deals with the topic of him, it’s clear that he will definitely cause issues in this screenplay. However, it’s not clear at this point what exactly his role is and what he has done, which builds suspense and gets us to excitedly anticipate the reveal.
What questions are raised?
As I got into a little bit with the answer to the last question, a lot of questions are raised in relation to the ex-husband specifically. Who is he? Why did Jamie divorce him? Why did he not fight hard to gain custody of the kids (according to Dawn)? What did he do in the past? His kids seem to like him and want him around at least a little, so what happened? The kids, I’m guessing, probably don’t know the extent of the conflict between Jamie and the ex-husband? This also leads into suspense about how the conflict will be revealed and resolved in the future (in Act 2 and 3). When will we see the ex-husband, and what’s he like? Will he do something (act with aggression, try to steal back the kids, etc.) in retaliation to the divorce? Also, I am wondering how the family will be impacted by his reintroduction– they’re settling into life now without him, but how will they react and change when he comes back (since that seems to be the direction in which this story is heading).
Suggestions for the writer?
One of the things that I really like about Act 1 of this screenplay is how suspense is built up around the conflict, particularly through conversations between Jamie and her friends and through Jamie’s interactions with her children. Thus, I think it would be good to build on that, perhaps even through methods outside of conversations and character interactions. For instance, Jamie could be reminded of her ex-husband through physical mementos of memories (like pictures, locations, leftover gifts he got for her, etc.), and the conflict could be further hinted at by showing her reactions to seeing these things. I also appreciate how the setting is, occasionally, used to illustrate the personalities of the characters, such as how the knick knacks in the kitchen reveal the different places the family has gone and the things they enjoy doing. These details could be added upon to reveal more of the characters– even the other main characters, like Dawn and Laura, who aren’t part of Jamie’s immediate family– and to foreshadow the conflict.
7 thoughts on “JOURNAL #19”
Infatuation
“Infatuation”, written by Rachel Daren, is a screenplay exploring themes of love and loss set in a world of monsters. The story blends a modern 2000s setting with dark fantasy themes, contrasting an underground dark society of monster hunters with regular people with regular people problems. The story is about Dolores Zima, a middle aged monster hunter and member of a mysterious council, or former member as is revealed in the opening hook. Dolores acts as both the main character and narrator, providing exposition as she accounts key events in her life that lead up to her being ousted from the New England Hunters’ Council. In one of the first scenes we are given insight into the world and the base premise of the “light stalkers” via a flashback to the past, learning that Dolores comes from a line of these hunters and is special and can see the monsters, and thusly fight back against them. We move on from this to an adult Dolores at a hunter’s council meeting, being introduced to our other main character, Mariko, as well as more mysteries and lore regarding the world of these hunters and what the apollo/artemis mutations mean. The story then moves into flashbacks to Dolores’ past, revealing details of her past relationships, both platonic and romantic. These scenes throughout humanize Dolores and give us insight onto who she is as a person, on and off the job. After this flashback we are met with a present day(i think), phone call with a character from the previous flashback, where we learn of Dolores’ mental health issues and a mysterious loss keeping her down. These mental health issues are elaborated on in the next scene, another flashback of Dolores in a psychiatrists office, where we are given her distinct diagnoses. After this we are sent to another flashback introducing Mariko, cut with meetings from the hunter’s council. The rest of the act is scenes between Mariko and Delores, an overwhelming mystery building as to how their relationship blossomed and subsequently floundered, with it being mentioned multiple times in the present day that Mariko is missing.
The main thing I like about the story is the voice over narration we receive from Dolores throughout the story, I think it provides excellent insight into not only the main character’s thoughts and feelings, but also lets the viewers in on details regarding the worldbuilding and gives us information we need to know to understand the story and context. The voice over is used sparingly in a way that feels very organic and appropriate to the scene, it does not overstep and instead accentuates the scenes in a manner that feels befitting of this style of story. The story feels very reminiscent of a 2000s dark fantasy/science fiction show I may have watched in middle school, that is to say this is not a criticism at all, and in fact feels very appropriate for the subject matter the story is trying to tackle from both a romantic and fantasy standpoint. I really like this aspect of the story as a whole, it feels nostalgiac and reminds me a lot of shows that i can only assume were intended inspirations, as they were directly referenced in the story. Shows such as Supernatural, Buffy the vampire slayer(which i never personally watched but am still familiar with), doctor who, vampire diaries, and teen wolf, all really read through as inspirations. I would feel no qualms slotting Infatuation right in there with them, maybe a little bit above as being written with a modern lens means it lacks a lot of the homophobia and racism that ran rampant in these earlier shows.
The main things I am interested in learning more about are the relationships between the characters presented, a lot of names are brought up in the first act, and the sprinkles of interactions we get from them reveal some very interesting dynamics at play that I would like to see more of. Dolores and Mariko are obviously the main relationship presented, and while I would really love to get more insight onto how their relationship formed, especially whether or not it was one sided and toxic, or mutual and healthy, I can safely assume from a viewer’s standpoint that i will get that information in due time. However what i am really interested in is the side characters. A lot of characters are introduced to us in a relatively short amount of time, and because of the relatively fast paced nature of the scenes we only get a little bit of time with them. Wynn especially really peaked my interest, as through them we are not only given breadcrumbs of broader scandals in the Hunters’ council, but also the issue of the hybrids. The hybirds are a very interesting aspect of lore that we are only given a little bit of information on, but what we do know introduces a massive moral dilemma taking place in this world as to whether or not they deserve to be executed solely for being half light stalker. This moral dilemma is further complicated by clear political disagreement and disillusionment going on in the hunters’ society. This is what makes Wynn so interesting, we only see them for one scene but what we do see is very interesting, why are they looked down upon for their parentage? Why are they so sympathetic to the hybrids, and in turn why are some of the other characters were introduced to(such as Jason), so against the hybirds? Who is Wynn in the world of hunters, and why are they built up as an important new member of the council, hero of the youth, but also a side character who only appears in one scene? This is what i am most interested in, and leads me directly into some of the criticisms I have.
The main issue with the story i found while reading, was that the amount of information and characters presented at once. This is a world with very complex and thought out worldbuilding, which deserves to be explored and needs to be explained in order for the viewer to fully understand and appreciate the story. However I do feel the amount of information presented comes at us very fast, particularly in the second scene of the flashback with Dolores and her mom. The best way i think this can be combatted is by slowing the story down a bit, restructuring the order of a few scenes, and adding some more mundane situations. So far nearly every scene is exposition and plot heavy, which is good for getting the key points of the story across but can be a bit draining on the viewer. Slowing down and allowing for more downtime between exposition drops, heavy hunter proceedings, and relationship drama will help to make those moments that much more impactful. While there is plenty of mystery in the story, I feel some specific details could do better being shown rather than told, perhaps through visuals or metaphors so that the viewers feel less spoon fed lore and instead can piece things together themselves. I also feel the beginning scenes would flow better if the initial flashback between Dolores and her mom, explaining the concept of hunters and light stalkers, were placed later in the first act. Let the viewers stew on the little bits and pieces we are first presented, give us some more appetizers before the full meal so that the reveal and explanation is that much more satisfying.
“Nowhere” is a screenplay for a science fiction story in which some sort of miniature world within a lab is unexpectedly changed when a leaf from “The Outside” ends up in their world. The protagonist, a strange (to human perception) creature named Flan goes about his routine, helping a distressed citizen of his world get their cat off of the roof, and meeting with his friends, Sun and Moon, only to be interrupted and surprised by the sudden appearance of a green leaf from outside of their world. Determined to learn about it, Flan insists they try and get answers, and following an incident where Sun and Moon accidentally damage a present made for Moon, they all visit the Tailor for answers. The Tailor directs them to Quell, who appears to not be on the best terms with Flan based on his reaction, and they go to meet with him.
I really like how vivid the descriptions of the different creatures of this world are and how unique they are to this story. Particularly the visual concept of The Tailor interests me, as using hands to communicate rather than a voice not only shines some attention on the significance of sign language, but also allows for the worldbuilding to feel more fleshed out, as why would every creature in this world all communicate the same way when we certainly don’t do that in our world, even among the same species. I also really like Sun and Moon’s dynamic, as it makes the creatures in this world feel incredibly alive. Flan is an intriguing protagonist as well, his curiosity garnering my attention and my own curiosity.
One of the biggest questions I have about this screenplay is “who is Quell and what is his relationship with Flan, since Flan appears to know him already?” I’m sure most of this will be answered eventually, but I’m still intrigued by it nonetheless. I also want to know what the significance of the lab mention in the beginning is.
I hope to see this act become longer and more fleshed out throughout the semester. Though this suggestion has more to do with the lookbook than the screenplay, it may help to keep in mind whether you want this to be a CGI-heavy story interspersed with live action when possible, or fully-animated story. I’d also keep in mind that you seem to have a large cast of characters, so as you continue to develop the world and story, make sure to keep track of who is who and what function they serve, especially with smaller characters like Orin.
Caitlin:
It so far seems to be a story of a separated family in which the mother has just won custody of her kids from their father and her husband. It goes through the daily life of a family of three; Jaime, the mother, Charlie, her younger kid, and Millie, her older kid. They watch Millie at a baseball game, get ice cream and go to school. Everything seems pleasant. We ended with the mother getting ready to go out with her friends for a Saturday night. I really enjoy the use of nice colors and feelings, and the cuts between different scenes really feel good. It sets up such. beautiful and serene world that we know is about to be torn down in some horrific way, and it leaves us waiting for that moment, that one thing that happens that changes the entire story around from just a family’s day to day life to whatever twisted things are going to happen. I also really enjoy the realistic dialogue. No one sits on something too long, and in general it just feels so natural and yet deliberate for what they say. There is also foreshadowing with an interaction between Millie and her mother where Jaime says, “We’ll be alright,” to which Millie responds with, “It doesn’t feel like it.” In a way, it’s almost as if Millie is in the same boat as the audience, who is being shown all these nice, calm, relaxing things and yet we have this overbearing dreadful feeling that something awful is going to happen. I really want to know more about what’s going to happen between the three characters, and if it ties back into the whole court case with Jaime’s husband, who, as of yet, has not made an appearance. What caused the two to separate anyways? Does it matter for the story or is it just a backdrop? I want to know more about the kind of person Jaime is, and I’m sure with whatever stressful situations she is about to be plunged into, we will soon find out. In terms of adding anything, this beginning sequence is beautiful, but could possibly be more concise and condensed, with of course leaving in your ideas for color and transitions and perhaps where you would like the camera to be.
Taya: Disturbance
So far from “Disturbance”, we know that we are in a fantastical land with both medieval and modern influences. The regents and bailiffs give off “secret order” medieval styles, as well as the “Trusted One” being a sort of king or ruler of a large swath of land. Meanwhile, the suburban housing and driveways accompanying them give off a more modern feel. The story follows a strange occurrence happening at the “Trusted One’s” supposed castle or home, and then breaks off into different areas as a huge blast of energy emanated from the castle. Then, we switch between different characters and are introduced to each one and we learn what their personalities are like. Then, a regent from the “Trusted One” gives them a scroll, entailing some sort of urgent mission given out by the “Trusted One”, and given out to a small group of chosen people. They are all brought together in the city in which the “Trusted One” resides, which is Labar. I really enjoy the rich, beautiful and exact details of the scenes and characters. It really sinks me into the story and lets me feel like I’m truly there. The descriptions are so vivid that it feels like Taya has a great grasp of what she is creating and also knows how to express this world in such detail. I also really enjoyed all the different characters we met; they made the world feel real, feel lived in. The farmer, the actress, the clock maker, the hermit and the slum worker all give us different insights into each way of life in this world. I want to know what’s going to happen to our little group of adventurers. Are they going to complete their mission or is something going to go wrong? I also want to know how exactly they feel about each other, how their relationships will develop, if at all. Will there be betrayal? From the beginning, we are shown a scene of the palace being torn apart, but when the 5 chosen ones arrive, there’s no signs of damage. It might be good to leave in a bit of that for a character to perhaps accidentally discover, chipping ever so slightly at the ruse being put up by the “Trusted One”. I also think condensation would be good. As amazing and intricate as the descriptions are, they perhaps take up too much space for the screenplay. This of course can come later when your vision of what you want to create is out on paper, but it is something to consider. Try to use more concise descriptions and focus on exact details that would draw our attention more. Don’t worry about trying to describe the exact kind of roofing tiles used for background buildings and the like. However, I think you should definitely keep in descriptions of objects and things strictly from your world, since it allows us to better understand what it is.
What is it?
This is a fantasy story about a group of young people being called upon to go on an adventure for their society’s leader, The Trusted One, to apparently save their kingdom.
What do you like about it?
This is a very well-developed fantasy story. Taya has created a really detailed society and clearly understands how it functions and how its citizens live and interact with each other and with their world. She also seems to have a great idea of what exactly she would like this movie to look like, if it were made. She uses great detail in describing the setting as well as the actions of the camera—she’s completely walking us through this movie and painting a very vivid picture of it.
What questions does the screenplay raise for you?
I’m wondering about some of the characters’ backstories, like Plurmef and Flook. I feel like I’m also unsure about how old they’re supposed to be—they act young, but are they as young as I am imagining them to be? Or is it just whimsy?
What suggestions do you have for the writer of the screenplay?
I don’t know how this would be achieved, but I think it would be helpful to understand the geography of this world. Maybe a map could be shown at some point to help the audience get a better feel for where things are, relatively, and even how big they are. I also think it would be helpful to break up all of these actions with more dialogue—it doesn’t have to be important to the story necessarily, but it would also make sense for characters to be having casual conversations or making small talk with one another. There’s just a lot of information on these pages that seems really important at all times, and I think it would be easier to follow if there were little breaks here and there.
Nowhere
Nowhere, written by Bennett Deshishku, is a loveable comedy/science fiction story about an odd and eclectic group of friends trying to discover the mysteries surrounding there equally odd and eclectic world. We follow a gelatinous blob named Flan, and his two friends Sun and Moon, whom after finding a leaf, seek out a various collection of characters in order to learn about it’s origin as well as the fabled “outside’. To do this they visit a centipede made of hands known as the tailor,
The characters, they are all incredibly unique and charming. The story has one of the most unique premises I have ever seen by, I really cannot get enough of the world of Nowhere and it’s inhabitants.
I want to know what this world is, I want to know how these characters met and what their connections to eachother are. I don’t need a real science explanation or the nitty gritty details of how their world was formed, as i think its more fun to just be like “yea of course its a hand centipede, but how does the tailor know Quell? How long have they been a tailor?”. Mundane details like that are what im really interested in knowing.
I think it could use a little extra detail in its descriptions of settings and characters, as all of these aspects are so incredibly unique I think they deserve to be explored and developed more.
Taya – this story is. Whose story is this?
So far the story is about a vision of destruction. Not much a premonition as it’s currently happening but the story shows an in-depth view of the current state of affairs in the nation of Latabat. We see the nation’s leader known as the “Trusted one” in the beginning of the story and from here he’s shown these visions on this crystal ball. This gives me the impression that this is a somewhat magical land and it gives the pretext of mythical creatures and beast as well. This vision shows the “Trusted ones” fear for the safety of his kingdom and so he constructs a plan. The story doesn’t give much detail about the plan at first, but it’s seen that he’s though of something and after the scene vanishes we get a look at what I belive to be the main characters of the story. The scene fades and we come across individual after individual and whats shown is their unique sjill sets and abilities. “ The Baliefts as they are called are these figures of power that posses mythical powers and whats shown is they can appear and disappear into thin air. The main charchters are shown like I said to have unique abilities and skills and the first person we see is Dergek, the son of a poor farmer who has a certain level of prowess. Second we see Plurmef who can talk to animals and connect with nature. Third comes Flook who has a knack for craftsmanship. Fourth comes Renege who doesn’t seems to be an accomplished theatrical artist . Lastly we are introduced to Clanas who seems to do a lot of manual labor and machine work. The thoughts on being approached on these Baliefts are different and during each visit they are handed a scroll that details a meeting with the trusted one at dawn. They all go and are directed to fight the beast that threatens their country. Its not like they had a choice though and some were reluctant, but in the face of their leader they all bowed their heads and accepted their mission. The trusted one pulls together 5 people with the skills, tools, and abilities to defeat the impending danger of the kingdom. At the moment the story seems to be centered around 5 key Figueres.
2. What do you like about it—get into specifics and why. Could be dialogue, character development, plot visuals, etc. Why do we/should we care about the main character(s)?
I like the overall story honestly and how it allows me to infer or try to guess what’s happening next as it seems like a typical story about a nation needing heroes to defeat a disastrous evil. Although it’s slightly twisted, the biggest like for me is the fact that these heroes are put into a weird situation, it’s not like the higher-ups are necessarily nice to them and it creates this atmosphere that I can’t really explain. The visuals of the story are also really good and Taya does a good job of describing the environment and the settings of each individual’s home life, the kingdom castle and the entire area in which they story takes place. ACT 1 here really sets up the big adventure well and I think that’s the biggest highlight I have about the story. I think the main characters are also a big thing to point out as Taya really describes and introduces them extremely well . She sets up the aftermath the part I want to know more about while also showcasing the different lives each of these individuals live and the different atmospheres surrounding them. It’s like a rag tag bunch thrown together and It seems like there is a plan but we just don’t know yet.
3. What questions does the screenplay raise for you—what do you want to know MORE about—even if it’s going to be revealed in the unwritten future portion of the screenplay. This can be a very valuable tool for the writer.
I want to know more about the Trusted one and who he is. The story doesn’t really show an in depth perspective of him and its got me wondering about his background. I see his like a boney figure that seems to be almost all-knowing or have exceptional prowess, but im confused on how he pulled together this bunch of 5 to defeat the great eveil that threatens the nation. How does he do it, was it a vision does he have the power to see people’s destiny or what. That insight would be huge. Also it begs some questions about who the people he’s working with are as well, the Baliefts seem to have some real pull, but I liked how we got to see one of their personalities and see that they are just regular people as well. So really I just want context, give me a flashback or something.
4. What suggestions do you have for the writer of the screenplay? Would combining a character with another help? Would speeding up the story or slowing it down help? Changing locations? Adding some comic relief? What would make you stay MORE engaged with the story?
Honestly, I don’t think there is much combining to do, just condensing the story and details. I think that the story moves along well and if it was on a screen I think it’d be a lot more interesting than just reading it. I like the different personalities of the guards as well. It added some more comic relief. The only thing I’s add to get me more engaged is dialogue, but I think that the major dialogue is in ACT 2 as Act 1 just set up the story and the location. I can’t really say add anything, but some more dialogue would be good just for me to stay engaged, but again I think that’s coming so It’s like ehh.
Caitlin –
Story is about a broken family that has some underlying issues. We see the main characters being the family ex wife, daughter and younger son and how they are navigating this new way of life without having a father around. We dont know who he is or what he did to get himself ostrsized like he is but I think that adds to the excitment. I like the parralles between Jamie and Millie and how close they are, they talk about what seems like everything and I love the open relationship between mother and daughter. Biggest question, who is this guy and what did he do to get kicked out of the house like this, its obvious he was important and loved, but the story hints at the idea that they are better off without him even though they miss him. My suggestions were to add some context of who Millie is outside of the family life and to show some details of her and Jamie without the family and with friends. I wanna see how they feel without the family around, how they really express themselves, its not like they don’t but I want to see how it feels to do it without that weight around. Without the pressure of everything going on at home.
Caitlin’s Screenplay
What is it?
This screenplay focuses on a family unit following the divorce of the parents. We see Jamie–the mother– and her two children, Millie and Charlie. They’re all clearly struggling with the new dynamic, as shown through Millie and Charlie wondering where their father is and if he’ll visit them and through Jamie adapting to life as a single mother. However, Jamie herself seems rather happy and at-peace with the current situation, as she calls her friend Laura to tell her that “It feels so good without him here.” Additionally, Jamie doesn’t try to influence her children or turn them against their father/Jamie’s ex-husband. Instead, she supports them and keeps both her joy and her struggles to herself in order to put her children first. From this, we come to understand who Jamie is as a person, as a mother, and as a friend, and we realize that the main conflict of the story has to do with the ex-husband who is, supposedly, no longer involved in their lives.
What do you like?
One of the main things I really like is the character dynamics. Everyone in and around Jamie’s family at this current point is kind. Her friends, her lawyer, and her children all love one another, and they’re all trying to be supportive in this time of change. Also, this Act helps us see who each of the characters are as people, especially in the scenes of Jamie and her children– like with how their personalities are showcased through the way they eat ice cream and pizza. Another thing that Caitlin did well was establish the set-up of conflict. We haven’t yet seen or been introduced to the ex-husband, but we know he exists. And from how everyone in this Act deals with the topic of him, it’s clear that he will definitely cause issues in this screenplay. However, it’s not clear at this point what exactly his role is and what he has done, which builds suspense and gets us to excitedly anticipate the reveal.
What questions are raised?
As I got into a little bit with the answer to the last question, a lot of questions are raised in relation to the ex-husband specifically. Who is he? Why did Jamie divorce him? Why did he not fight hard to gain custody of the kids (according to Dawn)? What did he do in the past? His kids seem to like him and want him around at least a little, so what happened? The kids, I’m guessing, probably don’t know the extent of the conflict between Jamie and the ex-husband? This also leads into suspense about how the conflict will be revealed and resolved in the future (in Act 2 and 3). When will we see the ex-husband, and what’s he like? Will he do something (act with aggression, try to steal back the kids, etc.) in retaliation to the divorce? Also, I am wondering how the family will be impacted by his reintroduction– they’re settling into life now without him, but how will they react and change when he comes back (since that seems to be the direction in which this story is heading).
Suggestions for the writer?
One of the things that I really like about Act 1 of this screenplay is how suspense is built up around the conflict, particularly through conversations between Jamie and her friends and through Jamie’s interactions with her children. Thus, I think it would be good to build on that, perhaps even through methods outside of conversations and character interactions. For instance, Jamie could be reminded of her ex-husband through physical mementos of memories (like pictures, locations, leftover gifts he got for her, etc.), and the conflict could be further hinted at by showing her reactions to seeing these things. I also appreciate how the setting is, occasionally, used to illustrate the personalities of the characters, such as how the knick knacks in the kitchen reveal the different places the family has gone and the things they enjoy doing. These details could be added upon to reveal more of the characters– even the other main characters, like Dawn and Laura, who aren’t part of Jamie’s immediate family– and to foreshadow the conflict.