What is it?
The screenplay “Red Riders” seems to mainly be focused around the characters Red Jackson and Euan Murray. In terms of societal laws, Euan Murray is initially framed as the “Good Guy” who prosecutes wrong-doers (those that are “Wanted: Dead or Alive). Meanwhile, Red Jackson is initially framed as the “Bad Guy”, although his actions so far from what we’ve seen in Act I seem to be well-intentioned. Thus, this story seems to largely be about figuring out who is in the right and who is in the wrong, while following the development of conflict between those two main characters and their ‘gangs’.
What do you like?
The very first thing in this screenplay that I really liked was the development of setting. From the get-go, it’s very clear that this is a western movie. We get the shots of the sandy desert, the gun-slinging heroics, the cowboy chase scenes. Everything is very western, from the camera angles and characters to the descriptions of the towns, and it really helps to tie the story together. Additionally, I really enjoy how the conflict has been set up thus far. It feels very masterful, crafty, and complex because of all the different layers. For one, you have the main conflict: good versus bad. However, we have even more conflict in the way that we don’t know which side is good or bad. It’s multi-layered, adding dimensions to the story and creating a textured world for the audience to explore.
What questions are raised?
In this screenplay, James did really well with heightening suspense and creating questions for the audience to latch onto. At first, it seems pretty clear that Euan Murray is a good guy because, even though he does questionable things (like killing people) he seems to have good intentions since those people he kills are obviously wanted for some reason. It’s revealed, though, that he seems to be extrinsically motivated by money, and that he may not be as good as originally thought. Additionally, Red Jackson and the “Red Riders” are framed as the bad guys, yet their questionable acts (like killing people) seem to be driven by more noble motivations (since the people they kill deserve it, as far as we’ve seen). Thus, I am wondering who is on which side, and which person I should root for. Furthermore, the final scene highlights these questions because Jefferey and Euan appear to suggest that Red Riders (maybe the group of 3 that Red Jackson told to head out a few scenes prior) were the ones that killed Mrs. Weevil and that are now targeting Mr. Weevil. But why would they kill Mrs. Weevil? Was it actually them? And what is going to happen to Mr. Weevil. Overall, Act II made me very curious about what will happen between Red Jackson and Euan Murray, and how the entire story will play out.
Suggestions for the writer?
One of the suggestions I have is to cut down on the number of characters with specific names and roles. Especially when it came to all of the different bounty hunters and the members of the Red Riders, I started to have a bit of a hard time keeping track. However, it also makes sense for there to be so many of these characters, since each group is meant to be well-established and highly influential in the world of the film. Perhaps, then, not all of the characters need to have names– for instance, only the most important ones or the ones with significant roles later on could have names, while the others could just be referred to as general “riders” or “hunters”. That being said, though, I really liked how the minor characters especially were described. Their personalities and appearances were pretty short– to the point– and gave descriptions of the characters without any unnecessary information.
What is it?
This story is about systematic violence and the path to redemption. The screenplay “37th St” follows Ruderious “Rudy” Jones, the young son of Shanequa and Dontavius Jones, beginning with the scene of Dontavius’ death. The “Don’s” death is used to illustrate the tragic outcomes of being involved in gang violence, as well as to push the story into Rudy’s life. Thus, this first Act follows how Rudy deals with the aftermath of his father’s death. Additionally, mainly through conversations between Rudy and his mother, it shows how Rudy’s journey will follow the goal of “breaking the cycle” of violence and death within the Jones family (and within the southern DC community as a whole).
What do you like?
One of the main things that I really like about this story is the character building and the development of relationships between characters. From the very beginning of page one, we start to understand the dynamic of the Jones family, with Ruderious, his two sisters, and his parents. We see how they interact, how they impact one another, and how deeply they care for each other. We also see how the entire community works. Everyone– from the individual families and friend groups to the students and teachers– all have close, complex relationships, which adds to the realistic atmosphere of the story and clearly plays a significant role in the plot. Additionally, I like how the setting is depicted, because there are so many details related to how the convenience stores, houses, neighborhoods, and streets look, as well as to how people act, that provide insight into how the area and the members of the community are impacted by the violence that this story revolves around.
What questions are raised?
I really want to know what happens with Ruderious and the Jones family. From the very first scene, we see that they have lost their father, which also means that the community’s gang has lost their “Don”. Thus, both the Jones family and the community are in a bit of disarray, trying to restructure themselves and figure out the new dynamic arising from that loss. Also, Rudy is told that he needs to step up in the “Don’s” place as both man of the house and as a leader (who, instead of perpetuating violence, will break the chain). Thus, I am curious to see how Rudy attempts to accomplish these goals, and if he will succeed in doing so. I also wonder what will happen with the other characters in relation to Rudy– will his mother survive? Will Kevin be targeted? Will his sisters be left in peace? What is Grandmother Marry’s role and how will she impact the flow of the story?
Suggestions for the writer?
I think that the story itself flows very well. Early on, we get a good understanding of who the characters are, what the story is about, and the general direction that the plot will be advancing in. Additionally, I found the first Act of this screenplay to be engaging as-is. In fact, this is not a genre of story that I usually choose to read or that I even stumble across on my own. However, I was immediately drawn into it and enraptured by the plot, finding myself wondering what would happen next. One suggestion, though, that I have would be to introduce some of the characters slower, or space apart their introductions a bit more. I lost track a few times of who is who and what their relationships are to one another– especially when it came to the “bullies”. For example, it took me a few pages to remember the relationship between Eric and Brandon (brothers) and who each of the goons under Eric were. Other than that, however, I think the screenplay has really good flow in terms of location changes and timing, as well as comedic versus serious scenes, and that the introductions the main characters (particularly Kevin and the Jones family members) were done well.
This screenplay is a story about betrayal and royalty. It follows Shura, a young queen overthrown by her general Kitor, and her quest to reclaim her throne, potentially peacefully. She is assisted by Malco, a sympathizer to her plight.
I really like the worldbuilding of your story! I like how there’s a kingdom and coup, but also guns and rubbing alcohol. It blends the fantasy and urban elements nicely, which is so hard to do (I’ve experienced this myself with many of my works, past and current). I also like the dynamic between Malco and Shura— it feels like he’s genuinely reacting to a complicated situation as an outsider, and that she’s dealing with a lot of unease and fear about the world, something that can be incredibly relatable, unfortunately.
I really want to know more about why Kitor overthrew Shura, and if so, is there any merit to his claims. I also want to know who else is involved in the coup, and how Shura and Malco will address it, especially considering their different ideas on how to do, as addressed in their initial conversation. I also want to know if there is going to be any romance between Shura and Malco, or if they’ll just remain friends, as the romance path is common as a subgenre within fantasy, but there is also a lot of value in a friendship during stressful times.
I have a few suggestions for this piece, though I think it is very interesting, and I’m incredibly excited to read more of it. One of the biggest ones is expanding upon the existing content. Maybe add another scene with Malco and Shura following the coup scene, or give us more details about how she escaped execution so far. My other suggestion is to give us more reason to care about Shura’s assistant, as I felt disconnected from her while we were reading.
This screenplay is a story about Odette dealing with the grief of her grandmother’s passing and her complicated relationship with that and her aunt, almost entirely through Odette’s “conservations” with the gift of a cactus that her aunt Margaret got her. There’s also her dynamic with her cat, Norman, is notably destructive, which feels like foreshadowing, but it’s unclear.
I really like the details you put in about Odette’s job, as it makes the story feel real and authentic. Her hatred of striped carnations is excellent, and feels like one of those quirks that really brings her to life. I also love the dynamic between her and Norman— it’s so much fun seeing people interact with their pets, especially since cats have so much personality!
I have a few questions for your screenplay, many of which I expect will be answered as the screenplay continues. I want to know what’s happened to Odette’s parents, as they don’t seem to appear in the screenplay much, as well as more about Odette’s dynamic with her grandmother. Another thing I want to know is why Odette hates cacti so much? I also suspect that the destructive nature of Norman is foreshadowing some sort of “breaking point” so I am curious as to what that will be as well.
I don’t have too many suggestions for this screenplay, as I feel it is very thought out. I do wonder if we could see more about Odette’s friendships, especially since she seems really isolated, and while I find that to be realistic and interesting in a city environment, it might be not enough to engage the audience. I also think we should get a Norman-Odette backstory for how she got him, mostly because cats are often reflective of their owners, and they have a really fun relationship to watch.
This is a story of a black kid trying to live life after the death of his infamous father, nicknamed “The Don”. His mother reputedly tells him to “break the cycle of violence”, not to follow in the footsteps of his crime lord father. We follow him on the first day of fourth grade in which we see the sights of life in a southern part of Washington DC; crack addicts, broken playgrounds, and other sights of a broken life of crime. What I really like about this story is the boldness it has to show and talk about a usually ignored part of modern society. It isn’t afraid to talk about things some people might not want to see, but it’s a true story that more people should be aware of. I also like the bits of banter that Rudy, our main character, and Kevin, his best friend, share with each other. It helps humanize the two and they seem to be like a real group of friends. I also like the way the screenplay talks directly to the director, telling them what the scenes should look and feel, as well as the camera angles, such as telling the director that we should be able to see from Rudy’s perspective and know how he’s feeling. Some things that I would like to know more about is what exactly Rudy’s father did to become so infamous, I want to know more about his achievements and the like. What could one man do to possibly elicit a response from the US national guard to storm his house like that? I can see from the flashback from Rudy’s mom that we will most likely have those answers later down the line. I also just want to know more about Kevin. What is life like for him? What exactly was his brother like before died? The format of the screenplay could use some work, but it is in the rough draft stages, so it isn’t a real problem. Some of the scenes seem to be a little choppy, and some of the transitions are a little sudden.
The story is a dark fantasy/drama, full of political intrique and revolutionary themes, crossed with interpersonal conflict and personal growth. Shura is the former queen of a nation, who is on the run after her former mentor and ally, Kitor, overthrew her in a violent coup. She meets a young man named Malco while fleeing from guards formerly under her command, who provides Shura shelter, and in turn she recounts to him the events that lead up to her banishment.
I really like the side characters the most so far, I adore Malco and his quick witted remarks, as well as the fact he seems to genuinely care for Shura and his country. I also like Kalina, I think it really benefits the story by showing people who will resort to drastic measures to protect Shura, it really helps to show why we should be rooting for her and how the general populace feels about her. In a story heavily centered around politics and corruption, the citizens are really at the heart of it.
I want to see more of Shura’s personality, so far we have gotten to see very little of her outside brief interactions and flashbacks, showing her as a queen but not as a person. I want to see more about how she feels on a deeper level about losing all of her allies and her position. I also want to see more of the kingdom, I want to know more about the state of the people, what is the country known for? Is there class disparity that is fueling support for Shura? Are people fighting back against Kitor? These are all things im interested in, which will most likely be answered as the story progresses.
The first draft that i had access to was somewhat short, because of that i definitely think i might have gotten only a half finished first act and thus its hard to make suggestions that arent centered around fleshing out the first act. However I do think it would do some good to go into more depth when it comes to Shura, as so far she is interesting but somewhat flat as a character. Likely this is just because the story has only just started, but giving her some more emotional moments may work to better humanize her character.
Kha
What is it?
This is a story about a young boy, Rudarious “Rudy” Jones, and his life growing up in Southeast Washington D.C after his father is killed by police. Rudy is trying to break the cycle, as his mother says, of violence and oppression
What do you like about it?
I like that you have a wide variety of characters that have influence on Rudy in various different ways. We see different sides of his personality through his interactions with these other people, but it’s natural and adds to the story and his development. I also like that you give him these gullible/naive moments, because I think it really does a great job of highlighting how young he is, and therefore how grown-up these issues he’s dealing with really are.
What questions does the screenplay raise for you?
What “happens” here? What are we supposed to gather from what has been written so far?
What suggestions do you have for the writer of the screenplay?
The biggest thing I would suggest is cleaning up all of the grammar, formatting and punctuation. It can be really hard to follow at times because of how it’s written, and it’s difficult to interpret tone and intention when there is no punctuation. I wish that there was a little more action to close out the first act. It feels like it ends in the middle of a thought—to avoid this, I think it might be best for you to end it after the fight scene or add another.
James
What is it?
This is a Western about a bounty hunter, Euan, who is asked to hunt down the “Red Riders” gang.
What do you like about it?
I like Euan’s characterization. He’s really interesting in the way that he speaks and acts. He is stoic, but this falters briefly when Jeffrey speaks to him about hunting down the Red Riders, who are a very feared and dangerous criminal gang.
What questions does the screenplay raise for you?
I would love to know a little tiny bit more about Euan’s backstory. His mystery brings a lot to his character, but even knowing how many people he’s caught or killed could be backstory. I feel like I’m not very connected to him because we don’t know a whole lot about him and his life before the screenplay starts.
What suggestions do you have for the writer of this screenplay?
There is a lot going on, both action-wise and character-wise, and while the attention to detail is really impressive and appreciated, I feel like there is sometimes some extra information that can make it somewhat difficult to distinguish the importance of certain things. Maybe you could try reducing the amount of extra information so that it’s easier to focus in on the characters and the actions that are most important to your story.
6 thoughts on “JOURNAL #20”
James “Red Riders”
What is it?
The screenplay “Red Riders” seems to mainly be focused around the characters Red Jackson and Euan Murray. In terms of societal laws, Euan Murray is initially framed as the “Good Guy” who prosecutes wrong-doers (those that are “Wanted: Dead or Alive). Meanwhile, Red Jackson is initially framed as the “Bad Guy”, although his actions so far from what we’ve seen in Act I seem to be well-intentioned. Thus, this story seems to largely be about figuring out who is in the right and who is in the wrong, while following the development of conflict between those two main characters and their ‘gangs’.
What do you like?
The very first thing in this screenplay that I really liked was the development of setting. From the get-go, it’s very clear that this is a western movie. We get the shots of the sandy desert, the gun-slinging heroics, the cowboy chase scenes. Everything is very western, from the camera angles and characters to the descriptions of the towns, and it really helps to tie the story together. Additionally, I really enjoy how the conflict has been set up thus far. It feels very masterful, crafty, and complex because of all the different layers. For one, you have the main conflict: good versus bad. However, we have even more conflict in the way that we don’t know which side is good or bad. It’s multi-layered, adding dimensions to the story and creating a textured world for the audience to explore.
What questions are raised?
In this screenplay, James did really well with heightening suspense and creating questions for the audience to latch onto. At first, it seems pretty clear that Euan Murray is a good guy because, even though he does questionable things (like killing people) he seems to have good intentions since those people he kills are obviously wanted for some reason. It’s revealed, though, that he seems to be extrinsically motivated by money, and that he may not be as good as originally thought. Additionally, Red Jackson and the “Red Riders” are framed as the bad guys, yet their questionable acts (like killing people) seem to be driven by more noble motivations (since the people they kill deserve it, as far as we’ve seen). Thus, I am wondering who is on which side, and which person I should root for. Furthermore, the final scene highlights these questions because Jefferey and Euan appear to suggest that Red Riders (maybe the group of 3 that Red Jackson told to head out a few scenes prior) were the ones that killed Mrs. Weevil and that are now targeting Mr. Weevil. But why would they kill Mrs. Weevil? Was it actually them? And what is going to happen to Mr. Weevil. Overall, Act II made me very curious about what will happen between Red Jackson and Euan Murray, and how the entire story will play out.
Suggestions for the writer?
One of the suggestions I have is to cut down on the number of characters with specific names and roles. Especially when it came to all of the different bounty hunters and the members of the Red Riders, I started to have a bit of a hard time keeping track. However, it also makes sense for there to be so many of these characters, since each group is meant to be well-established and highly influential in the world of the film. Perhaps, then, not all of the characters need to have names– for instance, only the most important ones or the ones with significant roles later on could have names, while the others could just be referred to as general “riders” or “hunters”. That being said, though, I really liked how the minor characters especially were described. Their personalities and appearances were pretty short– to the point– and gave descriptions of the characters without any unnecessary information.
Kha “37th St”
What is it?
This story is about systematic violence and the path to redemption. The screenplay “37th St” follows Ruderious “Rudy” Jones, the young son of Shanequa and Dontavius Jones, beginning with the scene of Dontavius’ death. The “Don’s” death is used to illustrate the tragic outcomes of being involved in gang violence, as well as to push the story into Rudy’s life. Thus, this first Act follows how Rudy deals with the aftermath of his father’s death. Additionally, mainly through conversations between Rudy and his mother, it shows how Rudy’s journey will follow the goal of “breaking the cycle” of violence and death within the Jones family (and within the southern DC community as a whole).
What do you like?
One of the main things that I really like about this story is the character building and the development of relationships between characters. From the very beginning of page one, we start to understand the dynamic of the Jones family, with Ruderious, his two sisters, and his parents. We see how they interact, how they impact one another, and how deeply they care for each other. We also see how the entire community works. Everyone– from the individual families and friend groups to the students and teachers– all have close, complex relationships, which adds to the realistic atmosphere of the story and clearly plays a significant role in the plot. Additionally, I like how the setting is depicted, because there are so many details related to how the convenience stores, houses, neighborhoods, and streets look, as well as to how people act, that provide insight into how the area and the members of the community are impacted by the violence that this story revolves around.
What questions are raised?
I really want to know what happens with Ruderious and the Jones family. From the very first scene, we see that they have lost their father, which also means that the community’s gang has lost their “Don”. Thus, both the Jones family and the community are in a bit of disarray, trying to restructure themselves and figure out the new dynamic arising from that loss. Also, Rudy is told that he needs to step up in the “Don’s” place as both man of the house and as a leader (who, instead of perpetuating violence, will break the chain). Thus, I am curious to see how Rudy attempts to accomplish these goals, and if he will succeed in doing so. I also wonder what will happen with the other characters in relation to Rudy– will his mother survive? Will Kevin be targeted? Will his sisters be left in peace? What is Grandmother Marry’s role and how will she impact the flow of the story?
Suggestions for the writer?
I think that the story itself flows very well. Early on, we get a good understanding of who the characters are, what the story is about, and the general direction that the plot will be advancing in. Additionally, I found the first Act of this screenplay to be engaging as-is. In fact, this is not a genre of story that I usually choose to read or that I even stumble across on my own. However, I was immediately drawn into it and enraptured by the plot, finding myself wondering what would happen next. One suggestion, though, that I have would be to introduce some of the characters slower, or space apart their introductions a bit more. I lost track a few times of who is who and what their relationships are to one another– especially when it came to the “bullies”. For example, it took me a few pages to remember the relationship between Eric and Brandon (brothers) and who each of the goons under Eric were. Other than that, however, I think the screenplay has really good flow in terms of location changes and timing, as well as comedic versus serious scenes, and that the introductions the main characters (particularly Kevin and the Jones family members) were done well.
This screenplay is a story about betrayal and royalty. It follows Shura, a young queen overthrown by her general Kitor, and her quest to reclaim her throne, potentially peacefully. She is assisted by Malco, a sympathizer to her plight.
I really like the worldbuilding of your story! I like how there’s a kingdom and coup, but also guns and rubbing alcohol. It blends the fantasy and urban elements nicely, which is so hard to do (I’ve experienced this myself with many of my works, past and current). I also like the dynamic between Malco and Shura— it feels like he’s genuinely reacting to a complicated situation as an outsider, and that she’s dealing with a lot of unease and fear about the world, something that can be incredibly relatable, unfortunately.
I really want to know more about why Kitor overthrew Shura, and if so, is there any merit to his claims. I also want to know who else is involved in the coup, and how Shura and Malco will address it, especially considering their different ideas on how to do, as addressed in their initial conversation. I also want to know if there is going to be any romance between Shura and Malco, or if they’ll just remain friends, as the romance path is common as a subgenre within fantasy, but there is also a lot of value in a friendship during stressful times.
I have a few suggestions for this piece, though I think it is very interesting, and I’m incredibly excited to read more of it. One of the biggest ones is expanding upon the existing content. Maybe add another scene with Malco and Shura following the coup scene, or give us more details about how she escaped execution so far. My other suggestion is to give us more reason to care about Shura’s assistant, as I felt disconnected from her while we were reading.
This screenplay is a story about Odette dealing with the grief of her grandmother’s passing and her complicated relationship with that and her aunt, almost entirely through Odette’s “conservations” with the gift of a cactus that her aunt Margaret got her. There’s also her dynamic with her cat, Norman, is notably destructive, which feels like foreshadowing, but it’s unclear.
I really like the details you put in about Odette’s job, as it makes the story feel real and authentic. Her hatred of striped carnations is excellent, and feels like one of those quirks that really brings her to life. I also love the dynamic between her and Norman— it’s so much fun seeing people interact with their pets, especially since cats have so much personality!
I have a few questions for your screenplay, many of which I expect will be answered as the screenplay continues. I want to know what’s happened to Odette’s parents, as they don’t seem to appear in the screenplay much, as well as more about Odette’s dynamic with her grandmother. Another thing I want to know is why Odette hates cacti so much? I also suspect that the destructive nature of Norman is foreshadowing some sort of “breaking point” so I am curious as to what that will be as well.
I don’t have too many suggestions for this screenplay, as I feel it is very thought out. I do wonder if we could see more about Odette’s friendships, especially since she seems really isolated, and while I find that to be realistic and interesting in a city environment, it might be not enough to engage the audience. I also think we should get a Norman-Odette backstory for how she got him, mostly because cats are often reflective of their owners, and they have a really fun relationship to watch.
Kha:
This is a story of a black kid trying to live life after the death of his infamous father, nicknamed “The Don”. His mother reputedly tells him to “break the cycle of violence”, not to follow in the footsteps of his crime lord father. We follow him on the first day of fourth grade in which we see the sights of life in a southern part of Washington DC; crack addicts, broken playgrounds, and other sights of a broken life of crime. What I really like about this story is the boldness it has to show and talk about a usually ignored part of modern society. It isn’t afraid to talk about things some people might not want to see, but it’s a true story that more people should be aware of. I also like the bits of banter that Rudy, our main character, and Kevin, his best friend, share with each other. It helps humanize the two and they seem to be like a real group of friends. I also like the way the screenplay talks directly to the director, telling them what the scenes should look and feel, as well as the camera angles, such as telling the director that we should be able to see from Rudy’s perspective and know how he’s feeling. Some things that I would like to know more about is what exactly Rudy’s father did to become so infamous, I want to know more about his achievements and the like. What could one man do to possibly elicit a response from the US national guard to storm his house like that? I can see from the flashback from Rudy’s mom that we will most likely have those answers later down the line. I also just want to know more about Kevin. What is life like for him? What exactly was his brother like before died? The format of the screenplay could use some work, but it is in the rough draft stages, so it isn’t a real problem. Some of the scenes seem to be a little choppy, and some of the transitions are a little sudden.
The story is a dark fantasy/drama, full of political intrique and revolutionary themes, crossed with interpersonal conflict and personal growth. Shura is the former queen of a nation, who is on the run after her former mentor and ally, Kitor, overthrew her in a violent coup. She meets a young man named Malco while fleeing from guards formerly under her command, who provides Shura shelter, and in turn she recounts to him the events that lead up to her banishment.
I really like the side characters the most so far, I adore Malco and his quick witted remarks, as well as the fact he seems to genuinely care for Shura and his country. I also like Kalina, I think it really benefits the story by showing people who will resort to drastic measures to protect Shura, it really helps to show why we should be rooting for her and how the general populace feels about her. In a story heavily centered around politics and corruption, the citizens are really at the heart of it.
I want to see more of Shura’s personality, so far we have gotten to see very little of her outside brief interactions and flashbacks, showing her as a queen but not as a person. I want to see more about how she feels on a deeper level about losing all of her allies and her position. I also want to see more of the kingdom, I want to know more about the state of the people, what is the country known for? Is there class disparity that is fueling support for Shura? Are people fighting back against Kitor? These are all things im interested in, which will most likely be answered as the story progresses.
The first draft that i had access to was somewhat short, because of that i definitely think i might have gotten only a half finished first act and thus its hard to make suggestions that arent centered around fleshing out the first act. However I do think it would do some good to go into more depth when it comes to Shura, as so far she is interesting but somewhat flat as a character. Likely this is just because the story has only just started, but giving her some more emotional moments may work to better humanize her character.
Kha
What is it?
This is a story about a young boy, Rudarious “Rudy” Jones, and his life growing up in Southeast Washington D.C after his father is killed by police. Rudy is trying to break the cycle, as his mother says, of violence and oppression
What do you like about it?
I like that you have a wide variety of characters that have influence on Rudy in various different ways. We see different sides of his personality through his interactions with these other people, but it’s natural and adds to the story and his development. I also like that you give him these gullible/naive moments, because I think it really does a great job of highlighting how young he is, and therefore how grown-up these issues he’s dealing with really are.
What questions does the screenplay raise for you?
What “happens” here? What are we supposed to gather from what has been written so far?
What suggestions do you have for the writer of the screenplay?
The biggest thing I would suggest is cleaning up all of the grammar, formatting and punctuation. It can be really hard to follow at times because of how it’s written, and it’s difficult to interpret tone and intention when there is no punctuation. I wish that there was a little more action to close out the first act. It feels like it ends in the middle of a thought—to avoid this, I think it might be best for you to end it after the fight scene or add another.
James
What is it?
This is a Western about a bounty hunter, Euan, who is asked to hunt down the “Red Riders” gang.
What do you like about it?
I like Euan’s characterization. He’s really interesting in the way that he speaks and acts. He is stoic, but this falters briefly when Jeffrey speaks to him about hunting down the Red Riders, who are a very feared and dangerous criminal gang.
What questions does the screenplay raise for you?
I would love to know a little tiny bit more about Euan’s backstory. His mystery brings a lot to his character, but even knowing how many people he’s caught or killed could be backstory. I feel like I’m not very connected to him because we don’t know a whole lot about him and his life before the screenplay starts.
What suggestions do you have for the writer of this screenplay?
There is a lot going on, both action-wise and character-wise, and while the attention to detail is really impressive and appreciated, I feel like there is sometimes some extra information that can make it somewhat difficult to distinguish the importance of certain things. Maybe you could try reducing the amount of extra information so that it’s easier to focus in on the characters and the actions that are most important to your story.